My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. 199. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. A mind is like a parachute. 7. 121. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 153. 225. It just plain forms. When life closes a door, just open it again. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Need to send some positive energy your way? Really? If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. Honolulu, its got everything. 8. Today I was a hero. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. With a cowculator. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 223. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I honor that time. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. "Today will be a great day". Just like every Monday does on Earth. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. 176. no rich foods. 147. 174. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. 149. 187. 12. 23. So, why not team them up? Albert Einstein 133. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 273. Its okay if people dont like me. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. 181. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 195. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 135. 73. In between, I am alive., 7. 125. 194. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. "In life only one thing is certain, Friday will come.". Flip Wilson Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 232. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Love your enemies. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 150. 183. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" Nobody gets out alive anyway. Can February march? Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. A wishbone. 28. Read next: 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset, Posted on Published: January 26, 2023- Last updated: January 27, 2023, Home 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, Fabulous List Of 120 Cute Names To Call Your Crush, 120 Follow Your Dreams Quotes To Keep You On The Track. 264. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Not me, but somebody does. Albert King. Theres life without Facebook and internet? 49. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. 35. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? No No NOYes. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. Im not insulting you. Edward A. Murphy If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 268. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. Nothing, they just waved. 193. 199. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! Leave me a if you agree! Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. I am so f*cking awesome. 26. What is Mozart doing right now? 168. Today I was a hero. No, but April may. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. Expect nothing and appreciate everything. 244. At night, I cant fall asleep. Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. Stuart Turner, 247. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. What do you call a bear with no teeth? I did not trip and fall. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 152. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. 266. Focus on the positives and be grateful. 104. Sincerely, the floor. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 231. It just plain forms. Be careful when you follow the masses. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. Charles M. Schulz. 139. 10. 269. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. 44. 175. Your words become your actions. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. 208. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. 59. A mind is like a parachute. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. 182. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. 210. 165. 204. Frances McDormand First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 224. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 138. 49. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". 113. Alright, get in the basket. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. 266. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. I am grateful for all that I have. 115. 47. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. 39. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. 217. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. 4. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. 5. 164. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. 70. 278. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. I never apologize. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 3. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. 68. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. 9. Your values become your destiny. 24. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. It has nothing new to tell you. Lorrin L. Lee. - Benjamin Franklin. And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 1. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. Mind blown! 233. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 221. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Its called tomorrow. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? 69. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. And a funny bone. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. How do you count cows? Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? I understand people talking about me. 201. 34. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. Laughter brings me closer to people. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. 277. 216. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Run. 179. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. 14. Look, youre smiling! It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. 86. 112. 267. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. So far, so good. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. Sometimes the M is silent. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. P.D. 65. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Decomposing. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. 262. Today I will embrace the poop. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. - Irish Saying. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Ted Turner. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". I dont care! I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. 226. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. Benjamin Franklin. Alison Boulter Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. You deserve it! , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Funny positive affirmations do work. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. All rights reserved. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 211. 127. Today is a great day. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. Socrates. Some people are like clouds. Im like a postage stamp. I thought you said extra fries. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. 220. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. (John 14:27) 27. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Thank God Im an atheist. 213. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. Albert Einstein, 190. Find a quiet place without distractions. 61. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". And get over it. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. Its okay if people dont like me. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. Can February march? 14. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. 86. Dave Barry. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Bill Murray Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. 145. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. Not everyone has good taste. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 124. Youre not tequila., 5. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. Funny Affirmations. 7. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. 252. 13. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". 253. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. 147. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. This is a snap. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Why is England the wettest country? 54. 168. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. Honolulu, its got everything. 110. Friends buy you food. 26. 222. Bill Murray. You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Sometimes the M is silent. The thing is, Im still getting ready. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. What is Mozart doing right now? 79. Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. 39. 279. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 150. Its a door, thats how they work. 7. 75. Bill Gates. 141. Why cant you trust an atom? I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. 53. Funny Daily Affirmations. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. 203. I tried, but they wanted cash. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 172. 28. Its scary when it disappears. Frances McDormand, 42. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . 219. 257. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. 210. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 22. 101. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. But you can always be immature. 196. 112. 29. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 260. I am intelligent. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. 161. 209. 189. Raimonda.B. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. I dont suffer from insanity. 84. 74. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. I understand success cant happen overnight. Ann Landers 94. What do I do for a living? Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. - Unkmown. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. 82. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. A gummy bear. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. It gets toad away. Bill Murray The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I love living in my unique female body. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. Because seven ate nine. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. 66. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 111. 21. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 78. "We . Once you're feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. - TS Eliot. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Jonathan lockwood huie. 188. 250. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. 102. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. Alison Boulter. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Because it was soda pressing. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. Because seven ate nine. 55. Decomposing. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 188. I train my body. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 27. Some when they enter, others when they leave. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. Build a bridge. - Catherine Pulsifer. You never run out of things that can go wrong. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 50. 272. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 186. I'm having a staff meeting.". Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. Oh sheet! 144. 65. A gummy bear. Wonderwoman: single. How do astronomers organize a party? No, but April may. 24. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 117. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 1. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 134. A backbone. Short Funny Affirmations. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. Bill Murray, 257. The library, because it has so many stories. 264. Bill Murray, 251. 8. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. Ensure that your actions match your words. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. 116. What is the tallest building in the entire world? 134. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. I intend to live forever. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Why cant you trust an atom? At night, I cant fall asleep. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. Run. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. I feed my spirit. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 223. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 135. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. 5. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. I wonder why spiderman narrated it the other way round. 5. Sam Levenson. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. They planet. Not everyone has good taste., 3. I am on a seafood diet. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. 219. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. What do computers eat for a snack? Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. 237. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Send me the link. 1. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 6. 249. 121. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. 27. 221. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning.